Can't Afford To Be Broke

Being broke is expensive.

It doesn't seem like that should be true, does it? If you have no money, then you can spend no money, and if you spend no money, you live inexpensively, right? For the most part, I think it does work that way...until the day that you think to yourself, "But wait -- I have a credit card." That single thought is enough to start you circling the drain.

Back when I was a graduate student, I was a bit tight on cash. Store-brand bread was my primary staple, and while I usually had peanut butter in the house, cheese was a luxury that didn't see the inside of my fridge for 2 years. When the local supermarket had Kraft Mac and Cheese for 29 cents it was pretty much manna from Heaven. I ate enough rice to single-handedly keep the Cambodian economy afloat and enough beans to keep myself afloat.

I had no money, but I did have a car. One glorious day, a friend who had the opposite problem made me a sweetheart of a deal. "If you'll drive me to Burger King," he said, "I'll buy you dinner." I was on that like a fat kid on a Smartie. It would be the first of many cheeseburgers that I funded by prostituting my Tercel. As it turns out, automobile prostitution is perfectly legal in Indiana.

Now, on one such trip, I noticed a sign that said, "Credit cards now accepted."

But wait...I have a credit card.

Yes, I had one of those $500 cards that they market to students in order to introduce them to the debt that will be a constant companion for the rest of their lives.

"This is Visa the monkey. She will be on your back until the day you die."

So, my monkey started buying me fast food. It wasn't every day, but it was way too often. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I was essentially financing french fries. Everybody else was paying 99 cents, but I was paying 99 cents at 15% interest.

The funny thing about circling that drain is that at first it's really slow. You don't even notice it. $5 on a credit card here and there seems harmless enough. But it's not. I didn't know it at the time, but I had taken my first hit of financial crack. That burger and fries became gasoline and concert tickets and clothes, and suddenly I was maxed out and back to eating Top Ramen and catsup soup.

Now I was beyond broke. I was in the red, wishing I could get back to only being broke. It's like cursing traffic because you're only doing 30 mph on the interstate only to have it come to a dead stop, and you realize how happy you would be to be doing 30 again. I had managed, without increasing my income, to add a monthly payment to the disaster that was my financial situation. It would have been much less expensive had I just been able to afford a Whopper.

But debt isn't the only thing that makes subsistence living expensive.

Being able to buy the 50-pack of toilet paper at Costco doesn't seem like much of a luxury -- until you can't do it. I never even wanted to until I had a wife and daughters all under the same roof. After years of trying to figure out how they could consume so much TP, I finally concluded that they do just that -- they consume it. I do recognize that a few squares of toilet paper with a little mustard constitutes a low-fat, high fiber, tasty snack -- perfect for Atkins Diet practitioners -- but I just can't get behind the idea. It's actually less appealing than rice cakes, and that's saying something!

But I digress. The point is that those who are broke cannot buy the 50-pack. These folks buy 4-packs and sometimes even the single rolls of that one-layer onion paper that is otherwise reserved for rest rooms in government buildings. The person who can afford to buy toilet paper by the truckload gets a volume discount, while the poor soul who is developing scar tissue where there should never be any is paying full price. As my 8th grade science teacher used to say, "Somethin' in the milk ain't clean."

Well, if you ask me, it's about time we recognize how much of our economy rides on the back of people with no money. If everyone could afford everything they need, credit cards would be almost nonexistent, and the vampires who run them would be relegated to rolling little old ladies for small change and knocking over blood banks to get dinner. Banks need to recognize that without the people who pay late fees and insufficient fund fees and over-the limit fees, their profit structure would fall apart like the Chicago Cubs at play-off time. Car dealers would lose financing as a means to rip off their customers. Debt collectors would have to find some other avenue for their...skills. And the list goes on.

How about a little respect for the people who really keep the economy going? Let's give the broke a break.